Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I could fuck to npr.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
