You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize