My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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