Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
