So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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