Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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