yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
