This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
