I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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