Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
