That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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