your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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