1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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