Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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