Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
