stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
