Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
