she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Life is so much better after having sex.
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I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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