I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
