I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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