I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
