I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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