It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
