My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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