After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
