i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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