It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My cat gives me a boner
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
