I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?