Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?