you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
