I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
