she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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