I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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