Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
