I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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