I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
