I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize