I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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