im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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