paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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