I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
