I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
