Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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