what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
