Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
