Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we made out on top of his cat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
