i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
