enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
