tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
