cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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