The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
