i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
