Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
